Jeremiah 29:11
Tuesday was pretty easy going until the evening. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we were finding out the next day! I'm so glad that I wasn't the one carrying because I would have drove myself bonkers crazy!
Wednesday arrive just as every week does,it almost seemed like a normal day; until I walked into work. Then the feeling of unknown hit me, my heart started racing and a pit the size of Texas rose in my stomach. Everyone at work was super excited to hear the news! They wanted her to test ASAP!!
Once lunch time came, I figured I'd give her a call because I knew she would want to get out of there early because of the 3 straight weeks of work. She said that they already drew her but they weren't running it yet.
At that moment, I knew it was negative, it was like a wave of peace came over me. But I knew I needed to stay + until I knew it was really -. She just had this sound in her voice that I couldn't quite pin down, she just wasn't herself.
After lunch I went to the lab to tell them they could run the test anytime. I just needed to know! Janet hem hawed around and said well it might be ready in 30 minutes or maybe not. That pit in my stomach returned, but I had to get back to work.
Time flew by and before I knew it Janet had a envelope in her hand. It read Chelsea & Derrick (sp), it had the answer inside, but I couldn't bring myself to open it. Finally Mary said, let me look first, and then I'll tell you. Deb was so sweet and gave me a hug, by that time I was shaking and my heart was racing! I finally gained enough courage to open the envelope, and I saw it. The number I had been dreading, the one I call day in and day out to patients, the <5. It was negative.
I was shocked, confused, angry, sad & every other emotion you can think of. I couldn't understand why we couldn't catch a break, just once, it was all I was asking! I sat there without emotion for what seemed like forever, then it hit me. As one tear started to fall I knew there wasn't going to be any stopping it! Mary saw this coming and gave me a huge hug and cried with me. I'm not sure there was a dry eye anywhere! They were all just as excited for this as we were. After Mary, there was an influx of hugs all around, it made it easier to cry, they have all gone through this with patient after patient.
After I gathered enough courage up to stand, I knew I couldn't stay at work. I needed to be at home were my cries wouldn't be heard and I could process this news. I walked past Megan's office and she knew right away. She asked me why I found out now, I told her I just needed to know! On my way out the door, Dr. Tatpati was in her office, I walked in and said "better luck next time?" she then pulled me into a hug and started elaborating why things happen for a reason and that all we have to do is try again. We have good odds in getting pregnant, we just have to find the right egg! She is so compassionate about her work and knows exactly what to say, it just wasn't what I wanted to hear.
I drove home in a blur, I really don't remember the drive besides calling Derek. He knew as soon as he heard me crying, he's an amazingly strong man and husband and I thank God everyday for him!
The rest of the afternoon I cried so hard I fell asleep, I would wake up and cry some more. I sent a text to all of of the people that have been on pins and needles, supporting Derek and I through this. I couldn't bare to tell anyone on the phone. I knew it was going to be the hardest in telling our parents & families! There was an influx of text messages and phone calls, and I tried my best to answer them all. I just couldn't believe that this was our plan......
More to come in the next few days!
XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment