The Finale For Now....Day 25 & 26

Jeremiah 29:11

Tuesday was pretty easy going until the evening. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we were finding out the next day! I'm so glad that I wasn't the one carrying because I would have drove myself bonkers crazy!

Wednesday arrive just as every week does,it almost seemed like a normal day; until I walked into work. Then the feeling of unknown hit me, my heart started racing and a pit the size of Texas rose in my stomach. Everyone at work was super excited to hear the news! They wanted her to test ASAP!!

Once lunch time came, I figured I'd give her a call because I knew she would want to get out of there early because of the 3 straight weeks of work. She said that they already drew her but they weren't running it yet.

At that moment, I knew it was negative, it was like a wave of peace came over me. But I knew I needed to stay + until I knew it was really -. She just had this sound in her voice that I couldn't quite pin down, she just wasn't herself.

After lunch I went to the lab to tell them they could run the test anytime. I just needed to know! Janet hem hawed around and said well it might be ready in 30 minutes or maybe not. That pit in my stomach returned, but I had to get back to work.

Time flew by and before I knew it Janet had a envelope in her hand. It read Chelsea & Derrick (sp), it had the answer inside, but I couldn't bring myself to open it. Finally Mary said, let me look first, and then I'll tell you. Deb was so sweet and gave me a hug, by that time I was shaking and my heart was racing! I finally gained enough courage to open the envelope, and I saw it. The number I had been dreading, the one I call day in and day out to patients, the <5. It was negative.

I was shocked, confused, angry, sad & every other emotion you can think of. I couldn't understand why we couldn't catch a break, just once, it was all I was asking! I sat there without emotion for what seemed like forever, then it hit me. As one tear started to fall I knew there wasn't going to be any stopping it! Mary saw this coming and gave me a huge hug and cried with me. I'm not sure there was a dry eye anywhere! They were all just as excited for this as we were. After Mary, there was an influx of hugs all around, it made it easier to cry, they have all gone through this with patient after patient.

After I gathered enough courage up to stand, I knew I couldn't stay at work. I needed to be at home were my cries wouldn't be heard and I could process this news. I walked past Megan's office and she knew right away. She asked me why I found out now, I told her I just needed to know! On my way out the door, Dr. Tatpati was in her office, I walked in and said "better luck next time?" she then pulled me into a hug and started elaborating why things happen for a reason and that all we have to do is try again. We have good odds in getting pregnant, we just have to find the right egg! She is so compassionate about her work and knows exactly what to say, it just wasn't what I wanted to hear.

I drove home in a blur, I really don't remember the drive besides calling Derek. He knew as soon as he heard me crying, he's an amazingly strong man and husband and I thank God everyday for him!

The rest of the afternoon I cried so hard I fell asleep, I would wake up and cry some more. I sent a text to all of of the people that have been on pins and needles, supporting Derek and I through this. I couldn't bare to tell anyone on the phone. I knew it was going to be the hardest in telling our parents & families! There was an influx of text messages and phone calls, and I tried my best to answer them all. I just couldn't believe that this was our plan......

More to come in the next few days!

XOXO

The Week Leading Up....Day 20-24

Well.....Not much to talk about. It's been a week that has brought more thoughts and I'm ready for it to be Wednesday 5/9/12. That's the day it will come down to a BFP or BFN. (+/-). I can't believe it though. Throughout the week it's of course crossed my mind but I haven't been as stressed as I thought I would be.

I honestly thought that these would be the hardest 10+ days of our lives.

My husband has been fantastic. We were talking last night about how we wanted to find out. He said that he would be fine if I found out first and then I could let him know when I came home. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm sure I'll be nipping at the bit by Wednesday, but I would like us both to know together. We shall see.

I did text Roberta this morning and said "I'm so glad that it's you and not me, because if it was me, I would have tested over a 1000 times by now." She just laughed and said, I'll test on Wednesday :)

I've started looking at the adoption agency again. I know that probably sounds crazy to some of you, but I really want to make sure that we have a back up plan. Not is it at all that I don't want this to work, but I know myself. As long as I have something else to focus on, I'll be OK. Maybe we will try IVF again later one, but for right now, I'm just now feeling like myself.

Angel Adoption-

This is the adoption agency that we will hopefully work with if this process leads us there.

I hope and pray that later on in life,

when it's time to add to our family, we use them, just not right now.

I had a weird dream on Tuesdsay that both Roberta and I got pregnant this cycle. Now that was something I was a bit scared and overwhelmed when I woke up, then realized it was just dream. Thank goodness! Low a behold after that dream, mother nature decided to rear her ugly head and come visit. It was the worst one I've ever had in my life. The cramps were so horrible that I couldn't NOT sleep on my heating pad and could bearly walk. BUT...I made it through work and was able to have a nice and relaxing weekend with 2 of our neighbors. We shopped and dined and had some much needed adult beverages. It was much needed and I had a fabulous time.

Back to work today.....I can't believe it's almost here. I feel like I should be counting down the hours, but all I want to do, is make it through them and have good news. That's all I'm praying for and we would appreciate it if you would do that for us. God has been keeping me a peace throughout this process and I hope he continues it. I know that it's because of all of you that he's hearing your prayers for Derek, I and hopefully our growing family.

XOXO

Days Are Running Together...Day 17,18,19

I told myself when I started this blog, that I would write everyday....well it's my first time I didn't do that! It's been nothing special the last few days.

Enjoyed Sunday with the hubby and pup. Went to church and rehearsed the skit for JLW for Tuesday.

Monday was a whirl wind. Returning back to work after 5 days off is something else! I had to go to the doctor because my my asthma decided to say hello. Things are good though! Nothing a inhaler and new allergy med won't take care of! Besides that, super busy day at work and a night walking the pup and watering flowers!

Today was a long one! Work was busy again...it's welcoming me back with opening arms though!! I love my job and am soo glad to be back! Then after work it was straight home to change and off my good Laura and I to buy flowers for our LAST JLW meeting of the year! We performed our skit tonight, it was fabulous! Better than we could have imagined! Very happy!!!!

Off to be now! Busy week ahead & then possibly off to KC this weekend, as long as my body works with me!

XOXO!